Never thought One Republic could be so inspiring. I'm determined for change in myself.
I've made my choice.
Navy.
Here comes months of rigorous work-outs and strict dieting.
I'll meet my goal weight, go in to recruiting office...
ride to Seattle- go through MEPS and the ASVAB, and sign.
Here goes the journey of a lifetime.
Whatever identity I have now- will fade into oblivion.
It's time to do change for myself.
Time to actually feel proud, when my dad tells me he's proud of me.
I feel lame writing this all down, especially on a blog. But I need to egg myself on... keep on truckin' and keep a positive attitude so I'll stay strong for myself throughout this process.
I don't know what will change.
I'm not affraid of being away from home. I'm affraid of not ever leaving and being stuck in this tiny old fishing village for the rest of my life.
what justifies the means.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
the peacocks yell "no"
In a poorly lit bedroom of wood paneled walls, and quilts sewn by hand from women of the past spread along the floor, here I sit, young women with my emotions on my sleeves. As the cool spring breeze flows through and dances with strands of my untied hair, I feel at one with the things outside that mysterious dark window. Frogs are like my anxiety. Faster, slower, breathe, relax. Breathe in, exhale, close eyes, relax. My heart beats faster and faster as I allow my thoughts to take over my body. Similar to what an outer body experience must feel like, I'm sure. Disconnected from what should be natural. Not content with what's in front of my feet. Things seemed to have fallen into place, but whose to say that some things never change? I think they do, and I dislike it all the same.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Everytime I see you, my heart beats bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum in song.
What happens when you've finally gotten over your first love? Do you ever really get over your first love? Was it even LOVE? Who really knows... who really knows until you have something else to compare it to. It's easy to question now that those feelings no longer exist...easy to question now that I know I'm better than that, better than him. Now that I know I'm worth a thousand times more than a undecisive-dweeb of a man-wannabe-thug could ever offer. A thousand times better than being FOOLED into falling in love with someone ever again, when it's not even mutually exclusive. He just had a really good"Pa pa pa poker face pa pa poker face...". But aside from what's what, and recent events.. I am absofreakinglutely happy to announce, I am officially and forever over him.
I've heard that when one door closes, a crap ton more open. When it comes to subjects of the heart... some things SHOULD take more time; consequently, the combo of my brain/heart seem to think this life is a ticking clock and love is a battlefield.. so finders keepers loosers weepers. Something like that anyway.
Sometimes life throws you lemons.. make em' sweet with sugar and add a little H20. Sometimes the heart throws you what seems to be, inquired love... suck it up like a chubby defensive line football player who has thigh cramps and is hungry for McD's and finish the game. Who knows.. I'm pretty good at focusing on what's important to me. Culinary school is good for consuming most of my thoughts, for now. I can keep love on the back burner. I can dream, and I can wish, and I can cross my fingers and toes... but like most other things in life, time reveals all. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If it's not meant to be, "that's life".
:)
Vicadin. A little bit.
I've heard that when one door closes, a crap ton more open. When it comes to subjects of the heart... some things SHOULD take more time; consequently, the combo of my brain/heart seem to think this life is a ticking clock and love is a battlefield.. so finders keepers loosers weepers. Something like that anyway.
Sometimes life throws you lemons.. make em' sweet with sugar and add a little H20. Sometimes the heart throws you what seems to be, inquired love... suck it up like a chubby defensive line football player who has thigh cramps and is hungry for McD's and finish the game. Who knows.. I'm pretty good at focusing on what's important to me. Culinary school is good for consuming most of my thoughts, for now. I can keep love on the back burner. I can dream, and I can wish, and I can cross my fingers and toes... but like most other things in life, time reveals all. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If it's not meant to be, "that's life".
:)
Vicadin. A little bit.
Friday, March 27, 2009
knee surgery and bad grammar
Just a heads up, I'm currently on a crap ton of pain meds, so incase you're reading through, and I'm talking in circles, have bad sentence structure or am constantly mis spelling words... that would be why.
Had surgery yesterday on my knee. My mom was SO worried they might operate on the wrong knee, after the doctor came in and signed my right knee with his initials, she went along (extra percautionary) and wrote "NO!" on my left knee. The last thing I remember after being wheeled into the surgery room, having about 30 sets of hands on me prepping for "the big show" (as I like to call it).. was the anesthesiologist talking to me about happy medicine that will help me sleep, and sudden laughter once they revealed my knee. I said " my mom told me to tell you... it's my right knee, not my left" .. after that, the rest is history. I woke up in pain. They gave me morphine and vicadin, I talked about how to make a great pizza dough, and how fillet mingon wrapped in bacon is the bomb.com.
I think I was cranky, i hadn't had anything to eat for 24 hours by the time surgery was done. After a while (2 hours or so) we finally loaded into my momma's CR-V and headed home. But I was SO hungry and sorta kinda impatient, we ended up getting some McGarbage food and McDonald's, along with a wonderful vanilla bean smoothie from Starbucks. Got home, ate some food, and fell asleep. Finally went up stairs and went to sleep. I've been waking up to my cell alarm every 4 hours to take more pain killers... that way I won't get to the "SHIT, I forgot to take meds, and my knee is KILLING ME" point.
I made up production I would've done in class today, yesterday and wednesday. I did a braised lamb schenck, (can't spell right now) Miso soup, seared duck breast with butternut squash puree and sautee'd plum's in a sweet rich honey and brown sugar glaze... also did a spicy seared chicken breast with a spicy southern-style chutney, and some other dish that's slipping my mind. I actually just thought about it for like 3 minutes and for the life of me, cannot remember what the freakin' 5th dish was.
Anyhooo... I'm hoping I'll get to fly to California on monday still :) to see annie, that would be fantastic. There's still a chance I won't, but who knows. Anyting is possible, right?
:) gettin' sleepy again.
Peace and love.
Had surgery yesterday on my knee. My mom was SO worried they might operate on the wrong knee, after the doctor came in and signed my right knee with his initials, she went along (extra percautionary) and wrote "NO!" on my left knee. The last thing I remember after being wheeled into the surgery room, having about 30 sets of hands on me prepping for "the big show" (as I like to call it).. was the anesthesiologist talking to me about happy medicine that will help me sleep, and sudden laughter once they revealed my knee. I said " my mom told me to tell you... it's my right knee, not my left" .. after that, the rest is history. I woke up in pain. They gave me morphine and vicadin, I talked about how to make a great pizza dough, and how fillet mingon wrapped in bacon is the bomb.com.
I think I was cranky, i hadn't had anything to eat for 24 hours by the time surgery was done. After a while (2 hours or so) we finally loaded into my momma's CR-V and headed home. But I was SO hungry and sorta kinda impatient, we ended up getting some McGarbage food and McDonald's, along with a wonderful vanilla bean smoothie from Starbucks. Got home, ate some food, and fell asleep. Finally went up stairs and went to sleep. I've been waking up to my cell alarm every 4 hours to take more pain killers... that way I won't get to the "SHIT, I forgot to take meds, and my knee is KILLING ME" point.
I made up production I would've done in class today, yesterday and wednesday. I did a braised lamb schenck, (can't spell right now) Miso soup, seared duck breast with butternut squash puree and sautee'd plum's in a sweet rich honey and brown sugar glaze... also did a spicy seared chicken breast with a spicy southern-style chutney, and some other dish that's slipping my mind. I actually just thought about it for like 3 minutes and for the life of me, cannot remember what the freakin' 5th dish was.
Anyhooo... I'm hoping I'll get to fly to California on monday still :) to see annie, that would be fantastic. There's still a chance I won't, but who knows. Anyting is possible, right?
:) gettin' sleepy again.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
crapped out knee.
I never realized how blog-religious some people were. I guess it is a pretty good way to vent at the end of your day. I always wonder who reads these things, and what I'm allowed to write about... not allowed, but what I can write about that won't raise eyebrows of judgement. Then again, should I really care? Maybe someday somebody will answer some of my questions, someone in a similar situation.
It feels good for it to be March 2009. Time is passing, I'm changing, along with everyone around me. If it's not one thing, it's another, right? Usually for me, it's one thing, another, and about 40 other things all at once.
I'm 19 years old, I turn 20 in July. I am in Culinary School following my dream. I get to wake up earlier than any 19 year old should have to wake up, drive an hour to Seattle listening to MIA or some other really LOUD bumpin' rap artist, drinkin' my really bad over-sugar'd coffee in a HUGE cubs mug I found at a garage sale when I was like 7.
I get to school around 5:30 every morning, sit in my car until the song's over, grab my knife kit, plop on my hat, and walk inside. Everyone else usually looks as dead as I do, we usually sit in the library, drink our coffee and talk about life and what makes the world go 'round. Never thought I'd be so close to some of the people in my class. We're all on the same page, food is our passion. Aside from being very close in age, having similar music and movie taste, and loving food, we somehow connect on an even higher level. It's unexplainable, so I won't even try.
School... I have spring break next week. I'm having knee surgery this thursday. In the new Gig Harbor hospital. St. Anthony's. I'm excited that the hospital will be clean, and I'll probably have really great bed-side... because it's new and all; however, I'm REALLY not looking forward to surgery. It's sorta exploratory, and I don't know how long recovery will be. I am crossing my fingers, toes and eyes that this darn surgery will take away the clickityy-ouchywa wa in my knee. I had plans to fly to Sacramento Cali, Annie was going to pick me up and drive me to Grass Valley, the town in which she resides. I have a roundtrip flight, but won't be able to go sed far. Unless of course I become bionic woman. If that's the case, then yes Annie. I am coming to California.
If bionic/terminator/scifi cyborg chef Lauralei doesn't work out.. I have until monday to decide where else I want to go. I'd fly out the first day of summer break. Which is sometime at the end of June. I was thinking about Arizona. My sister lives in Gilbert with Rob. They're pretty cool. I miss her, a lot.
It feels good for it to be March 2009. Time is passing, I'm changing, along with everyone around me. If it's not one thing, it's another, right? Usually for me, it's one thing, another, and about 40 other things all at once.
I'm 19 years old, I turn 20 in July. I am in Culinary School following my dream. I get to wake up earlier than any 19 year old should have to wake up, drive an hour to Seattle listening to MIA or some other really LOUD bumpin' rap artist, drinkin' my really bad over-sugar'd coffee in a HUGE cubs mug I found at a garage sale when I was like 7.
I get to school around 5:30 every morning, sit in my car until the song's over, grab my knife kit, plop on my hat, and walk inside. Everyone else usually looks as dead as I do, we usually sit in the library, drink our coffee and talk about life and what makes the world go 'round. Never thought I'd be so close to some of the people in my class. We're all on the same page, food is our passion. Aside from being very close in age, having similar music and movie taste, and loving food, we somehow connect on an even higher level. It's unexplainable, so I won't even try.
School... I have spring break next week. I'm having knee surgery this thursday. In the new Gig Harbor hospital. St. Anthony's. I'm excited that the hospital will be clean, and I'll probably have really great bed-side... because it's new and all; however, I'm REALLY not looking forward to surgery. It's sorta exploratory, and I don't know how long recovery will be. I am crossing my fingers, toes and eyes that this darn surgery will take away the clickityy-ouchywa wa in my knee. I had plans to fly to Sacramento Cali, Annie was going to pick me up and drive me to Grass Valley, the town in which she resides. I have a roundtrip flight, but won't be able to go sed far. Unless of course I become bionic woman. If that's the case, then yes Annie. I am coming to California.
If bionic/terminator/scifi cyborg chef Lauralei doesn't work out.. I have until monday to decide where else I want to go. I'd fly out the first day of summer break. Which is sometime at the end of June. I was thinking about Arizona. My sister lives in Gilbert with Rob. They're pretty cool. I miss her, a lot.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
All I want...
I'm listening to a sad song. and I'm sitting alone wondering. It's definately one of those Dashboard evenings. It's also definately 1 am. I can't seem to figure out why the fuck I'm up and awake at 1 am on a thursday morning listening to this depressing emo acoustic guitar diddy when I'm trying to fall out of love with the most amazing guy I've ever known.
I really hope that in a year when I'm looking at all of my old blog post's I'll just throw my head back and laugh at that... "most amazing guy" tid bit, while (and get this...) while listening to a myspace playlist that I created that revolves around my depressing unrequited love emotions for the time being, and his favorite artists.
As of right now, I officially feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I'm so sick of listening to another sad love song by Toni Braxton, and working out at the YMCA 5 days a week so when I go and visit him in two years I'll be more confident in my looks.
I cannot stand that I don't want to spend any time with any of my friends.
With the acception of my best and most amazing friend in the entire universe...Sarah Jane Rose.
But obviously that's because she's my second half. Without her, I am nothing.
I'll be speaking to her via text message... and sound vague. She get's worried and feels like I shouldn't be alone this upset... so she drops everything to drive over and listen to new Keane songs on my hammock with my pink Dell laptop.
I'm pretty sure that she's the closest thing to my sanity. I have no sanity in this predigament. I also have no idea if that word is spelled correctly, I do appologize (as Jacob my Chef friend) would say.
I have three movies I need to drop off at Hollywood video tomorrow. You'd think that if you wrote yourself a note or put the movies in your purse you'd remember to drop them off.... but yet again, I'm sure I'll end up paying late fees. which is absolutely ridiculous.
Music and Lyrics, the movie with that Brittish dude whose name is slipping my mind right now and whatsherface... hmmmmm, oh Drew Barrymore. Well for those who haven't seen that movie, I highly reccommend it. If drama/romance flicks aren't your cup of tea than bugger off.... anyways, it's good. the song "way back into love" is playing at the moment, and it really makes me want to cut my head off with a dull chef knife (due to that unrequited love shit) but aside from that, it's a fantastic song. Good harmonies. Good lyrics. Good music and lyrics.
:) ha.
Right now a song called "Just Hush" is playing. This is by a Seattle band called Madison Drive. They found me on myspace a while back. I was going to do some back up vocals...then ended up being gone all summer working on mt. rainier. Anyways, Sarah Jane and I saw them at some tacoma venue last saturday. They had an absolutely terrible sound check that took FOR EVER. they were very very unorganized...but their performance was quite enjoyable.
All I want right now is Music.
I really hope that in a year when I'm looking at all of my old blog post's I'll just throw my head back and laugh at that... "most amazing guy" tid bit, while (and get this...) while listening to a myspace playlist that I created that revolves around my depressing unrequited love emotions for the time being, and his favorite artists.
As of right now, I officially feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I'm so sick of listening to another sad love song by Toni Braxton, and working out at the YMCA 5 days a week so when I go and visit him in two years I'll be more confident in my looks.
I cannot stand that I don't want to spend any time with any of my friends.
With the acception of my best and most amazing friend in the entire universe...Sarah Jane Rose.
But obviously that's because she's my second half. Without her, I am nothing.
I'll be speaking to her via text message... and sound vague. She get's worried and feels like I shouldn't be alone this upset... so she drops everything to drive over and listen to new Keane songs on my hammock with my pink Dell laptop.
I'm pretty sure that she's the closest thing to my sanity. I have no sanity in this predigament. I also have no idea if that word is spelled correctly, I do appologize (as Jacob my Chef friend) would say.
I have three movies I need to drop off at Hollywood video tomorrow. You'd think that if you wrote yourself a note or put the movies in your purse you'd remember to drop them off.... but yet again, I'm sure I'll end up paying late fees. which is absolutely ridiculous.
Music and Lyrics, the movie with that Brittish dude whose name is slipping my mind right now and whatsherface... hmmmmm, oh Drew Barrymore. Well for those who haven't seen that movie, I highly reccommend it. If drama/romance flicks aren't your cup of tea than bugger off.... anyways, it's good. the song "way back into love" is playing at the moment, and it really makes me want to cut my head off with a dull chef knife (due to that unrequited love shit) but aside from that, it's a fantastic song. Good harmonies. Good lyrics. Good music and lyrics.
:) ha.
Right now a song called "Just Hush" is playing. This is by a Seattle band called Madison Drive. They found me on myspace a while back. I was going to do some back up vocals...then ended up being gone all summer working on mt. rainier. Anyways, Sarah Jane and I saw them at some tacoma venue last saturday. They had an absolutely terrible sound check that took FOR EVER. they were very very unorganized...but their performance was quite enjoyable.
All I want right now is Music.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Taking into consideration, nobody really reads these... I'm at ease knowing that I can have thought explosions without any hint of judgement from the opinions of those who truly matter to me. It's interesting how I find myself feigning for more in this world. Or at least the highlights of my summer that made me what I am today. I wanted so much the day I stepped out of the tan Honda CR-V. I had so many expectations for where I was about to live and work for 3 and 1/2 months. Mt. Rainier, Paradise Inn. My first day on what was soon to be called "the rock." Interestingly enough the natural beauty did not consume my mind on days of skepticism. Did I always want to go to work? Did I just take in a huge mountain filled breathe of air and remind myself that It's okay if my day's not going great, I live on a mountain. What more could I ask for?
No instead of quitting as I should've, I allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper in love with him. The mountain was either a trap that held us all captive and forced us to go crazy, or it was what we made of it.
No instead of quitting as I should've, I allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper in love with him. The mountain was either a trap that held us all captive and forced us to go crazy, or it was what we made of it.
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